Christmas sprit

Being home again is interesting.
I know I've been home twice before this, but it's still weird. Everywhere I go I have constant reminders of things that aren't part of my life anymore. It's sad but not at the same time. Everywhere I go I have this horrible feeling of running into people i don't want to see. One person in particular, but I think I actually do want to see them. Who knows.

The point of this is though, it's Christmas time and I feel like until today I haven't really felt like it. I realized after the craziness of the past few days of being upset, I don't need this. I really do have people that care about me, and for once I want to put myself first. I give so much for my friends, and that will never end, but I'm done trying to give so much of myself to people who wouldn't do the same for me. I truly do love the people I surround myself with. There's a reason why I want to see this one particular person so much. It's because I don't see him. And the thing is, there's a reason why I don't see him, and that reason is because he can't make any attempt to see me. Why on earth would I ever want to surround myself with someone who does not want try more than two words of trying to see me.

I never make sense. But in short, I'm happy. I love my family, friends (in both homes), and myself this Christmas. And that's all that really matters.

I hope everyone has a merry Christmas and a great New Years. I have an idea that 2009 will certainly be an interesting year...

It happens

To the friends that are supposed to mean something here:
I'm sorry you can't understand what I'm going through.
I'm sorry you have the emotional depth of a ten year old.
I'm sorry you're incapable of walking up two flights of stairs to come visit me.
I'm sorry you don't care about me when I'm upset.
I'm sorry you take sides so easily, and never listen to mine.
I'm sorry you forget to invite me places.
But most of all
I'm sorry I don't feel like being around you anymore.

Home.

My lack of time is ridiculous.
There are so many things I need to put into words but I'm too busy memorizing details about earthquakes.
Hopefully with this break I will have a chance to put my thoughts in order and get them written out before finals begin.
Moving will resume upon returning...for the second time, and I'm sure there will be funnier events and more disappointment. Ah college.

I will not being seeing you.

Eleven eleven

Good luck is a completely foreign subject.

Each time, I'm becoming a little less disappointed. I feel like with each person I can detach within a matter of minutes. I'm stuck between whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Everything on my mind is impartial. It never can simply be good or bad. It is what it is. The lack of emotion in my life is exhausting.

But don't worry, it has all been said before. Every annoyance followed with bland words. I fully believe I am losing my voice.

Thank you.

Life

What am I doing with my life?

Honestly I would love to know.

April 11, 2008

Some days I find it hard to believe that one simple choice can alter an entire lifetime. This one choice can alter every second of the remainder of your life.

And here is where I find myself running six hours away to a place where I can start over. A place where the weather is warmer, every face is a new one, and people know how to just take things slowly.

Let me take that back, I'm not running, I'm sprinting.

Home may no longer be home, and the people I care about now may forget me. Sometimes you can never go back home, no matter how much you wish.

It's a chance I'm gaining the strength to take.

Perfect day for this

I am not that person anymore.
I am not the girl that will cling to your every word.
I will not listen to your lies for one more minute unless you can prove them true.
I cannot keep letting you cross my mind.
I do want to be "that" girl for you anymore.
I am not a replacement.

I am as strong as I think I can be.
I am unique, not another replica.
I will be everything that I want to be.
I can start by ridding myself of all the people like you who hold me down.
I do believe that this is for real this time.
I believe in me.

A while to post

I'm torn between what should be put on here.

The birthday was a success in most ways. The celebration started Friday night, but only with me, Cammi, and Kurt. There was a huge party going on...but they nicknamed it "cocktoberfest" meaning Kurt would have none of that. We ended up going to a friend's friend's apartment in the complex down the road. With the exception of having to actually pay, it was pretty decent. They played the new T.I. song a ridiculous number of times so that made my night alone. I made it through the night fairly unscathed from the usual party creepers. I met a boy there, lets call him Liam. I believe the conversation went...
Friend:Yeah we're out celebrating Liam's birthday.
Me:It's your birthday, OMG it's my birthday too!
Liam: Coool...do you wanna dance?
Then I ended up kissing him, which was an unfortunate idea I discovered after much facebook investigating. Luckily, I quickly escaped that entire scene.

The next day was fairly fantastic too. Jamie gave me her present...which included Shuttershades! There's quite a story behind that but...it's not something I'm quite ready to divulge. The present was sweet though. We went to a concert that night, which ended up being quite a situation in the process of getting there. Overall it was a fun night, no T.I. but bands with trombones make up for it. The highlight may have been Cammi being dry humped by a kid half her size, or three of us 'accidentally' peeing on the bands van. I swear it wasn't meant as an insult.

Sunday was the best though. My roommate and her boyfriend ended up buying me a pie to go with my cake and we had a small celebration. I love the people here so much. We went out to dinner that night since it was my actual birthday.

This is an edit though so most of this happened two weeks ago, sorry for the lack of details. It's been a slightly rough week with exams and homework. Which I should be doing now but obviously am not because I care about this more than sociology it seems. I've been considering changing my major, to what I have no idea. I have no real aim in life. All I want is to make some sort of imprint on people.

I got quite a surprise this past weekend though. The only way to describe it is one of those things where you see it, and your heart automatically does not feel whole anymore. I cried. And then almost threw up. Quite the night. I guess it all is no more. I could say for good this time but...if I said how many times this has happened everyone would tell me I'm stupid for letting it happen again. I just believe people change...and then they don't. Or at least he doesn't. But I don't feel so horrible anymore. So many other people are wonderful, and it just pushes him farther away.

It's that season

It's becoming increasingly difficult to find the words for the experience.
I'm better than this.
Better than the lack of words and lack of feelings I've been giving myself credit for. I remember the days when I used to believe in the "magic" of it all. Has it really been that long?
Maybe that's how the story goes. Yet the idea is too much to part with.
I've ran out of words, ideas, and inspiration.
Everyone is fake at the moment. Not wanting anything with real substance right?
I haven't been seeing you. But yes, the thought still crosses my mind every couple months.
I've stopped believing.